Orgasm - Fake it 'till you make it? I invite you to think otherwise...
Admit it. You have done it, or you know someone that has - maybe once; multiple times or maybe you just don't know any other way. Ask yourself why? Changing the way we think or do things is often difficult because of our existing beliefs and conditioning.
Every time we fake an orgasm, we give our sexual power to someone other than ourselves. Ask yourself - do you grant someone else the control over your sexual satisfaction? If the answer is no, then what are you waiting for?
If the answer is yes, then this article is not for you, but I still encourage you to be curious enough to read further.
For years I shared a misconception that orgasm was more about the recipient than the owner. I indicated "shared" because of all those that I have discussed the topic with and to whom have held a universal belief.
We were led to believe that sexuality was more about the impression we made upon the other person rather than what we truly needed or simply what felt good. In fact, we really did not know what felt good because we were so caught up in the performance that our own pleasure never came into play. For years we acted, but numbed out to our sensations. The times that sensations appeared, they often appeared so quickly that we had little time to embrace them before everything was over.
Whether we orgasm or not, it has nothing to do with our sexual value. Sure, orgasm can be amazing. It has the capacity to provide physiological benefits in addition to mental and emotional euphoria. However, let’s not discount all the sensations that sexuality encompasses.
If you were raised female you grew up in a limiting cultural story about female sexuality - one that teaches us to be passive, be the sexual gatekeepers, and hold back our sexual boldness lest something dangerous happen.
We get raised on stories of damsels and princesses waiting for their knights to let them out of the tower. But not only is this misleading, it gets in the way of your REAL erotic power and agency.
We learn not to go for the things we want sexually and to follow the sexuality of our partners, and of men, in particular. We learn to wait for whatever comes to us, rather than go after our own desires.
Sex is messy. Sex has ebb and flow. What is the risk in letting our body feel and react without conditions? It is a common theme in casual and long-term sexual relationships for woman to fake orgasm. Sure, guys do it too but from a physiological standpoint, it takes woman longer to become aroused to a point of orgasm than it does for men. Most woman connect first through safety in expressing emotions. Often it is difficult for women to express emotions (which translates to needs) with someone they know very little about and have not had the opportunity to communicate with about needs and wants and what FEELS good.
Women can get caught up in thinking they need to please others instead of themselves. There is a huge amount of age-old conditioning that runs deep. For centuries, women’s bodies were considered the property of men. Women learned that their orgasms were for their partner’s pleasure rather than their own.
Despite the fact there has been significant changes and women are expressing their sexuality and sexual rights and freedoms, many still have a difficult time connecting to their own pleasure.
Our sexual well-being is a by product of our overall well-being and pleasure is our birthright. Pleasure is a measure of sexual well-being. To connect with your own sense of pleasure, we need to practice self compassion and give ourselves permission to receive pleasure. The next step is taking this practice into our relationships and communicate about what you want and like. How will you know what you want and like? If it FEELS good, then give it a green light. If it does not feel good, then it is not working for you. Trust in your body – it will not betray you.
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